To Caravan or not to Caravan?

First up on the project plan for all self-builders is: where do we live while we get our dream home built?   Renting local is ideal, but factoring the monthly cost of a project which will inevitably overrun, conjures up a figure that will probably pay for the Kitchen, or the tennis court, whatever.

Move in with parents?  They’ll always accommodate, especially if grandkids are involved.  Whether they will after fourteen months when it was supposed to be six, is another matter!   And their dining-table taken over by drawings, plans and paperwork, to say nothing of the kid’s homework and footie kit.  You might even be including them in your grand scheme:  the Mrs & me have done this twice.  Your parent’s vision might not be the same as yours;  I can confirm that ours wasn’t, twice!   I’ll summarise by saying that a place of retreat is essential.

That might be a caravan.  Or Mobile Home, to be posh.  So, back to the budget.

There are firms out there that will sell you one and guarantee to buy it back after a given period of time.  I’ll save whole paragraphs here by just saying: don’t.

Not if you want a reliable figure in your costings, anyway.

Going independent and buying one I’ve found to be the best option, bearing in mind shifting a mobile home will involve you with the Shifting Caravans Mafia.

I’m determined that there is a cartel exists whereby the Mobile Home, or Park Home as they brand them nowadays, but basically, the caravan, is worthless.  The real dough comes from siting them.  You could be forgiven for thinking that you have Buzz Aldrin on your team, the precision they will utilise to land your caravan on the most unholy and unforgiving terrain known to man.

Seeing them operate, I will give them their due on the advice that a 34ft would not get in, but a 32ft would.   Other than that, they’ll take yer money and run.

Our first sortie into living on site was in 1982.  No water, no electric, no sewers, our house sold etcetera and the kids to check into the village school. Forgot to say no money.  Or money to spare.  An advert in the Birmingham Evening Mail simply stated “Three 5-berth caravans for sale.  Buyer removes.  No reasonable offer refused.”  I offered him £50.  He said no, £40.  I paid him, and he gave my 4 year-old lad one of the £20 notes back. “For luck.”  As I left, he begged me to take all three within the deal.  This gives you an idea of their condition.

The seller, a builder, had housed his workforce in them for a long-term job away from home.  Needless to say, we needed new mattresses.  And needless to say, the new ones were damp and mildewed within weeks.  When the wind blew, the walls billowed out.  16 months later we sold it for £35 to a scrap merchant.

A key consideration is your kids.  Sixteen months in a caravan with young Primary-schoolers is a doddle compared to the same with teenagers.  To the little ‘uns, it’s an adventure and you do all the work for them anyway; whereas “Yoof” need everyone’s space and still expect a clean tee shirt.

Buy the best you can afford and bear in mind you will likely give it away.  Any positive scenario becomes a bonus.  And make sure your landscaping does not landlock it into a permanent fixture!

Being on site has obvious advantages, especially when you’ve a day job to pay for it all.  But let your contractors know from the start that it’s your home for now, and NOT the Site Office.  That way, you can avoid a hairy-arsed lorry driver copping an eyeful of your Mrs in her favourite nighty, washing her hair, or worse, and the inevitable bollockings as I regularly got.  If you are intending to do some of the work yourself, then an evening’s graft extends until you are knackered and ready for bed with a ‘van on site.  Wellies off and ni-night!

Go as local as you can for your caravan.  Many are available cheap off coastal caravan sites, but the distance whacks up mighty transport costs.

Three times we have said the famous “never again.”  For our latest (and final!) renegue on this promise, we went to a professional outfit 30 miles away, and bought from their “bargain basement.”  Carpets were changed, and a guarantee issued for the serviced gas appliances and electricity.  It arrived spotless, and with all certificates for gas & electric, appliances, etcetera.

Compare this to the time I electrocuted myself in my vest & pants, by standing in a puddle, stuffing a slice of bread into a toaster that had soaked up a dripping roof-leak all night.  What do you expect for forty quid?  Apart from electrocution, and a drop-down bed that needs two beer-crates;  that’s what.

Do the sums, and compare with renting property for the duration or longer.  It’s a no-brainer that is not apparent until your schedule runs over.  For planning and conservation issues, in two of our projects the delay exceeded ten months, and Councils don’t give a flying fart for the pressure of financial arrangements.

If you’re on a bridging loan dependent on the sale & value of your house, and you have such delays, the penalties are right where it hurts.

With a ‘van, the delay won’t cost you a penny more.    Just your sanity.

Busby